Mario's Bestest Adventures
by capgamer
Summary: This is a series of stories poking fun at the ridiculous and poorly written Mario fanfictions that I have encountered. Crazy ideas like "insane Luigi", cheesy romances, and all those pointless crossovers will be mocked to my best ability.
1. Insane Luigi

Mario's Bestest Adventures

Chapter 1: Luigi's Ultimate Insane Rampage

by capgamer

Once upon a time, in a magical kingdom characterized by residents with giant mushroom-like heads, there was a man. A man named Mario. Mario took it upon himself to save the world whenever a problem occurred. Quite often this was a result of the evil "koopa king" Bowser who had a fetish for kidnapping princesses. Mario, in turn, developed a fetish for rescuing princesses. It's a dangerous cycle.

One seemingly innocent day, as Mario was sleeping he heard a frantic knock at his door. He clumsily stumbled out of bed and opened it. A small toad was standing there, breathing heavily and bleeding from the forehead.

"MARIO MARIO!!!!!" he panted.

"What?" murmured Mario, still half asleep.

"Your brother Luigi has gone insane and is killing everything in sight!" The toad gasped, eyes bloodshot.

"What do you mean? Why would he go insane? What are you talking about?!" Mario started to perk up.

"He destroyed the entire Mushroom army in 10 seconds!"

"You mean old man McKinnley, with the stick?"

Before the toad could answer, he was smashed flat with a sickening THUMP when Luigi crashed down upon him. Blood exploded everywhere (it was pretty cool, really)!

"MWEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHHEEHHEHEHEHEHEHEEHEHEHEHEH(pant)HEHEHEHEHEEHHEEHEHEHEHEHE! TIME TO DIE BROTHER DEAR!!!!!" blurted Luigi insanely. He pulled out a plastic butter knife and started stabbing Mario with it.

"Ow! Hey! That hurts!" cried Mario (like a little girl). Luigi, his first assault failed, decided to take more drastic measures. He pulled out a fork and readied it for stabbing.

"Wait! Wait!" yelled Mario. "Luigi, why in the world are you suddenly going insane? Aren't you a quiet and cautiously heroic person? Why the sudden insane rampage?"

"Eh...I dunno. The same reason I go insane in all the other fan fictions, I guess," answered Luigi, in a more sane manner.

"Well can we at least talk it over?"

"I guess so."

And so Mario did talk it over with Luigi. Mario listened to Luigi's complaints about always being left behind and forsaken. Luigi listened to Mario's lectures about why it is wrong to kill innocent townspeople when you get angry about something. There was much sobbing-on-shoulders and love (brotherly love, not homosexual). In the end of it, they both felt closer to the other person and appreciated their short time on this Earth just a little bit more.

"Well thank you so much Mario...I'm so glad you are my brother." Luigi was preparing to leave and go home. He stood in the doorway of Mario's house, his back to the outside.

"I am too, Luigi. I hope our little talk has helped you to know that if you ever have a problem, you can talk to me about it. Luigi? What's wrong...?"

Luigi had started to bleed from the mouth. His eyes rolled back into his head and he fell to the ground, dead. A pointed stick protruded from his skull.

"I killed the bastard!" Shouted old man McKinnley with glee, bleeding from multiple butter knife stabs in various parts of his body. "I'm the greatest hero the Mushroom Kingdom has ever seen!"

Mario just stood there with his mouth gaping open while a crowd carried their savior away into the sunset.

---

I hope you look forward to my next chapter: "The Ultimate Crossover"


	2. Pointless Crossover

Mario's Bestest Adventures

Chapter 2: The Ultimate Crossover

by capgamer

Ding dong.

"Could you get that Mario?" pleaded Peach in that sickeningly sweet voice of hers.

"Fine..." sighed Mario. The princess had decided that now was a wonderful time to throw a party since the Luigi menace had been killed. Everyone that she knew had been invited to this party-even mascots from other companies! So it didn't surprise Mario when he opened the door to find Link, Sonic, Samus, Jak, Geno, Megaman, Tails, Zelda, Marth, Roy, Kirby, Pikachu, Jigglypuff, Daisy, Yoshi, Boshi, Malon, Flurrie, Koops, Goombella, Goombario, Parakarry, Twink, Vivian, Bobbery, Ms. Mowz, Bombette, Kolorado, Spyro, Donkey Kong, Diddy Kong, Dixie Kong, Zero, Jill Valentine, Ico, Cloud, Tifa, the zombie of Aeris, Tony Hawk, Tidus, Luke Skywalker, that guy from Doom, that other guy from Halflife, that guy from Morrowind who got knocked out by a witch and had all his clothes stolen, a hell of a lot of other people, and Bowser.

"Sup?" they asked. Mario waved them inside to enjoy the festivities. Bowser was the last to enter.

"My god! You party-wrecking fiend!" Without hesitation, Mario broke out a double flip crescent kick in slow-motion Matrix style. (This is a high budget fanfic, folks.) It sent Bowser flying about 20 feet, but did surprisingly little damage. When Bowser recovered, he had this to say.

"Bu..but I just wanted to join your party!"

"Well you can't, so screw off! Ha ha ha what a loser!" Mario was enjoying his enemy's plight.

"FINE! I'LL MAKE MY OWN PARTY! AND IT WILL KICK THE ASS OF YOUR STUPID PARTY!" yelled Bowser, flush in the face.

"Ooooooh. What do you think about that, guys?" Sonic, Link, Yoshi, Koops, Goombario, Spyro, Tony Hawk, and that guy from Doom all started to laugh along with Mario.

"SHUT UP ALL OF YOU! I DEMAND YOU SHUT UP!"

"I think he's gonna cry..."

"I'M GONNA MAKE THE COOLEST SUPER-VILLAIN PARTY AND I WON'T INVITE YOU LOSERS AND WE'LL MAKE THE BEST EVIL PLAN AND KILL YOU ALL!" Bowser stormed off, determined to make good on his promises.

-Later-

Mario was snickering. "Hey guys...I spiked the princess's drink. This is gonna be so awesome!"

"Hehehe. I wonder what the broad will be like with a little booze in her?" giggled Sonic, Geno, Donkey Kong, Luke Skywalker, and Boshi.

Meanwhile, at Bowser's party.

"Why hello there Dr. Wily, Sephiroth, Ganondorf, Smithy, Gnasty Gnorc, Baron Praxis, Shadow Queen, Mother Brain, Darth Vader, Nemesis, Dagoth Ur, Hitler, King Dedede, Giovanni, Hugh Hefner, Purple People Eater, and whoever the hell you are!" beamed Bowser as he welcomed his guests. The last of which was a small, puffy little creature named Mallow.

They all walked inside and took a seat in Bowser's entertainment room. Nobody said a word. They all just stared at each other. Dr. Wily started twiddling his thumbs.

"Nice decorations you have here," remarked Ganondorf. The walls were covered with paintings of Bowser.

"Thanks," responded Bowser.

Things were silent again.

"So uh...where's the cake?" asked Mallow.

-Back at Mario's Party-

"Uh Mario, I think we've run out of punch," remarked Goombario. In reality, there was plenty of punch-he just wanted to leave. The music was dull. It was that same old dodododododo...DO that everyone had heard millions of times before. Even the most energetic of mascots was just sitting in his or her chair, with a look of boredom on their face. Fortunately, that spiked punch had just done its trick on the princess. She had gotten clumsily up on a table and started trying to boost people's morale.

"Come on everybody!" she slurred, jerking her arms to the sky. "Its a damn party you sad sops!" People were ignoring her and getting up to leave. "UP!" she jumped on the table and flailed her arms sporadically. Unfortunately, (or fortunately for some) this caused her dress to (erm) lower itself to an inappropriate level.

The party was back on.

-Back at Bowser's party-

The mood had lightened somewhat. Various super-villains were talking of their evil deeds and brilliant schemes.

"So then I killed his girlfriend, Aeris!" chuckled Sephiroth.

"Oh that's a good one! Bwahaha!" Ganondorf suddenly looked sad. "See now, that was always my problem, I'd reveal my evil scheme right before the giant fight. They always saw it coming and foiled my plans!"

"Well you can't be too harsh on yourself...I've lost to Mario more times than I care to mention," several other villains murmured agreement.

Mallow, finally realizing that he had come to the wrong party, tried to blend in while he figured a way to sneak out.

"Uh yeah...Those darn heroes are pests..."

"Yes!" cried Darth Vader. "And what about you my little friend? What evil had you planned?"

"Uh...well once," _oh god time to bs it_ "there was this little kid. I was all like 'give me your money bitch' and he was gonna do it until that Mario guy came by and decided to save the day. I was all like 'keep out of my business pooface' and he was like 'no' so I was like 'it's on'."

-Back at Mario's party-

"Whoooo! Shake it!" All the men were gathered around the princess, who had decided it was time to strip tease.

"Get off that table, you floozy!" yelled Goombella, Samus, Zelda, Daisy, and Dixie Kong.

"Bring it on whores," the princess cried, drunk as you can get. She leapt from the table and tackled Samus to the ground.

"And to think I was worried I'd miss Jeopardy tonight!" giggled Megaman, which caused more guffaws to erupt around the room.

-Meanwhile the super villains were scheming-

"And if I move myself here..."

"And if you can do that, just at the right time..."

"Maybe I could back you guys up?"

"This plan may just work!"

"Now...HIT IT!" ordered Bowser.

As it turned out, many of the villains were musically inclined. Nemesis could play a mean fiddle, while Dagoth Ur was a master of the trumpet. Smithy took a place at the drums while the rest clapped along to the tune of "Ain't Nothing Like the Real Thing" (I love that song).

-Back at Mario's party...AGAIN-

Nobody knew how someone so drunk could fight so well. Even though it was three on one (Daisy had gotten a black eye, and Samus was out cold) Peach didn't show a single sign of stopping.

"Oh you little bitch! You're going to be so sorry when I master these damned timed-hits!" screeched Goombella as she dove at Peach. Dixie Kong was busy trying to restrain Zelda and Peach from killing each other.

"You think you can stand up to the triforce of wisdom you dirty (bleep)," asked Zelda, her eyes bloodshot and her fists bleeding from the multiple hits she had swung.

Peach, on the other hand, said nothing. She was too busy going psycho-bitch on everyone in her way.

The doorbell rang. Mario reluctantly turned away from the action and answered it.

"Hello, sir. I've had numerous calls that this castle is causing a domestic disturbance." It was the police.

"Uh...well..." Mario panicked, knowing that there was no way he could make up a good excuse. One police officer glanced inside and saw the action.

"Hey Bob! Isn't that princess Peach in there with her clothes ripped to shreds?"

"Damn skippy it is! Come on Bill! Screw crashing this party! It's too damn late to be working anyway."

"Come on in officers," Mario motioned slyly.

-Back at the dastardly party of the Koopa King-

"Bingein!" yelled Hitler, as he had just gotten the last needed number.

"Its 'Bingo' not 'Bingein'!" shouted Mother Brain who had also just gotten a bingo.

"Close enough," smiled Bowser as he handed out the prize.

"Well Mr. Koopa king, I'm afraid I have to be going." Mallow wasn't making excuses anymore, he just needed to get some sleep.

"Hey kid, you come back any time. You're possibly the most dastardly person I've ever known! Keep rockin' on, my friend. We'll get that blasted Mario someday!"

Mallow left, realizing that had been the best evil party he'd ever been to.

---

Let me tell you, this was a fun chapter to write!

I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.

The next chapter in this epic saga will be entitled:

The Ultimate Story About Me

Which will mock all those obnoxious and stupid fan fictions where a person puts themselves in the story.


	3. OMG WTF LMFAO

Mario's Bestest Adventures

Chapter 3: The Ultimate Story About Me

by capgamer

Note: Unlike the previous two stories, this one is going to be written completely unintelligently. This is because, to me, these types of fan fiction are almost always the most childish and stupid. With that said, let's begin.

it was a dark and stormy when i play my new game called paper mario 2 the 1000 year door1! I was like go mario go buthe died and it was game over

SO I WAS LIKE OMG

sudenly the lightening striked and i got sucke into teh game!!1!1 i ended up at the file select screen and i was like "omg wat teh hell" and i selected file 1 wich is my big brothrs file and he got farthur tan i did in my game so i went theyre cuz i wanted to be far in the game so i could hlp mario out and fite all teh bad guyz tat wur two touhg 4 mario to fite

when i entered teh game i was like omg im still 3d but their all paper still!

so then i saw mario run bye and i wuz like mario wait up! he acted like he didnt even here me so i wuz like weight maroi weit!!!1!!!!1

he finaly saw me and was like OMG ITS A SECRET BOSS! get him! he yeleled at hiz buddies.

lukily i hav l33t ninja skillz so i wuz all like hwah! i managed to pwn koops in like 3 seconds an gombela n like 2 seconds mario wuz like WTF?! and i said mario i help u beat teh last boss and stoof like tat

he was all like sweat! an then it sed capgamer has joined marios party so that litle toad chick came and was all like press x and capgamer will pwn everytin!!!1!!

so we strated threw teh game and mario wuz invisible cuz i pwned evrything whne he press x.

but!wegetto that part u know wher u have to fite that 1 guy w/ like 5 bilun hitpoints! so mario press x, butt i not strong enuff to beet it in won hit lyk usul and tat guy like hit me 4 6 trilun dmage but mario press x agian an i use my specal limit brek like in ff7!!!1!!1! teh boss wuz like PWNED LMFAO OMG WTF HAX0R but ten he got vaporized cuz im so kewl

so then we went trugh teh game and i got to the part wher u fite tat guy who goes all hey slick i can copy you mwahaha so tat guy copies me and i look like him and i wuz like OMG but mario was like OMG tat guy is still alive get him so they attacked me

teh impostr wuz like pres x slick and mario did it i almost got pwned i was like OMG MARIO IT S ME!!!11!!! but mario wuz like watever but i beet the impostr wit my rilly kool ninja skillz by goning hwishisha and ten i kill mario cuz he wuz suck a litle bastrd 4 ataking me

this made it say game over and i wuz like ohno!11!!!

lukly i wok up ten and relized it wuz just a dream but then i look over to my sid and in my bed wuz mario!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

he said time to die u bastard cuz u killed me and i wuz like OMG so we fot and i wuz like hiya but he was also like hoi and so we fot it ot just lik,e in DBZ so i wuz like ARRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH and my hare turned yellow frum my natral blond but he wuz also like AGGGGGGGGGGGRRHGHGGGGGGHHGHHGGHGHGHGHG and he terne SSJ559!!!!!!! he had lyk a bazoka pokin out off hiz ass but i didnt gve up so we batled like 5 horz and i wuz cumpltely scrwed but tehn i new his weekness it wuz urine so i pised on him and he wuz all like im melting im melting and thin he did sumethin tat i dindt knew wood happen!!11 he esploded and hiz guts spill everewear!!1!1!1

so then there waz l'ke sum hotchix and they wer like make love to me capgamer so i did the end

ps thes is a totaly tru stori i swear111!1!1

---

I won't subject you to any more chapters like that, I promise.

Next chapter is:

The Ultimate Mario Romance

Love is in the air... very disturbing and kinky love.

Oh, and feel free to give me new story ideas in your reviews (assuming I get any more reviews after this shameful chapter).


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